I started this Blog about a year ago. Never published anything I wrote. I was just rambling about feeling ill, and about my fears. And it was really such a drag just being me. Tried to put up a front, and was too often apologizing for my lack of energy.
Well, fate smiled on me. So now I have a sparkle in my eyes. A bounce to my step, sometimes. And I find myself energized anew. I am learning how to be the free spirit I always knew I was. I have always been so reserved and missing out on so much. Not any more. Time is too precious. And I have got a lot of living to do, in such a short time.
I'm sure I will have to revise this blog. But for now it is good. Life is Good!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
How to Have Great Sex
How to Have Great Sex - an article by Lybi Ma
Everyone wants great sex, but how do you get it? It takes a lot of ingredients such as having the right attitude, trusting your partner and getting over your hang-ups. Yet once you have the elements in place you can look forward to a more fulfilling sex life. From letting it happen to desire and foreplay, therapist Arlene Goldman shows us the 10 keys to sexual bliss.
Let it Happen You can’t force sex to happen, great sex must be allowed to happen. The act of pursuing orgasm breeds performance anxiety, which then undermines sexual arousal. The idea of goal-oriented sex flies in the face of letting it happen, you may end up faking orgasms or having problems with sexual function. So relax and enjoy the process.
The Right Attitude Give yourself permission to completely experience sex and its pleasures. That means you must let go of guilt, self-consciousness, judgments and personal hang-ups. Also, forget about your to do list and be prepared to “fully experience the moment,” says Goldman. In short, “be here now.”
Connect, Communicate, Trust To feel safe and secure in your relationship, you’ll have to open up and communicate how you feel. Going hand in hand with this is feeling empathy toward your partner. From here you can understand, embrace and communicate more easily. If you want something, you can ask for it. And remember to let go of grievances. “As a colleague said, for a long-term relationship, you need a short-term memory in the bedroom,” says Goldman.
Feed Your Desire Also, in a long-term relationship, desire can certainly fade. Where’s that initial passion you once felt? Grocery lists and household chores often replace romantic excitement, so how do you tap into lost desire? The key is finding the triggers that lead to passion. To do that you will have to trick your brain. One thing that helps is novelty, which kicks brain chemicals linked to arousal and romantic love. And it doesn’t have to be a trip to Paris; try a walk on the beach, a visit to the museum, reading poetry in bed, or just calling your partner and saying I love you
Love Your Body “My penis is too small.” “My breasts are too flat.” “I’ve gained 10 pounds.” Body image hinders intimacy. You can’t have great sex if you’re self-conscious about your body. Learn to like yourself and all your curves. From there, tap into your sensuality by thinking about what makes your body feel good. How do you feel when your partner touches your neck? How does your body feel to your partner? Maybe that extra weight feels more sensual to him.
Be Adventurous “You want to do what?” What is inhibiting you from exploration? Now is the time to let go of shame and embarrassment. People are often too serious in the bedroom. So you may need to rethink sex and see that it’s actually fun. Share your fantasies with your partner and discover how you can carry them out. Take risks: Perhaps by being creative and doing things a little differently. “It’s about learning and experimenting, and if it doesn’t turn you on, that’s OK,” says Goldman.
Foreplay and Afterplay It’s not about copping a feel. Foreplay begins out of the bedroom; in fact, it’s about lovers connecting throughout the day. And it doesn’t have to be overtly sexual or sexual at all. It can even be as mundane as helping with the dishes—anything to be more connected. And don’t forget that afterplay is just as important. Rather than jumping up after lovemaking, stay physically and emotionally connected.
Safe Sex Everyone should practice safe sex. If you have a new partner, get to know him beforehand, as you’ll need to know where he has been. Try to get comfortable talking about safe sex and don’t look at it as a downer. “If you’re worried about having safe sex, you’re not going to have great sex,” says Goldman. And although, you can make sex fun by incorporating condoms into lovemaking, remember that sexuality is more than the exchange of bodily fluids.
Relieve Stress Every couple needs time to relax. “You have to decompress before feeling turned on,” says Goldman. So consider stress-reducing ways to be together. To do this you may have to rethink your priorities in life. Perhaps you’ll need to make time for relaxation by letting go of other activities. So get away together, go on a date once a week or take a bath together.
Stay Fit People who get more sex are less depressed. But to do that, you need energy. “If you’re worried about getting enough sleep,” says Goldman, “you’re not going to have great sex.” So it’s important to get plenty of rest, regular exercise and the right foods. In fact, all these things help blood flow to the genitals, which is paramount for arousal.
Everyone wants great sex, but how do you get it? It takes a lot of ingredients such as having the right attitude, trusting your partner and getting over your hang-ups. Yet once you have the elements in place you can look forward to a more fulfilling sex life. From letting it happen to desire and foreplay, therapist Arlene Goldman shows us the 10 keys to sexual bliss.
Let it Happen You can’t force sex to happen, great sex must be allowed to happen. The act of pursuing orgasm breeds performance anxiety, which then undermines sexual arousal. The idea of goal-oriented sex flies in the face of letting it happen, you may end up faking orgasms or having problems with sexual function. So relax and enjoy the process.
The Right Attitude Give yourself permission to completely experience sex and its pleasures. That means you must let go of guilt, self-consciousness, judgments and personal hang-ups. Also, forget about your to do list and be prepared to “fully experience the moment,” says Goldman. In short, “be here now.”
Connect, Communicate, Trust To feel safe and secure in your relationship, you’ll have to open up and communicate how you feel. Going hand in hand with this is feeling empathy toward your partner. From here you can understand, embrace and communicate more easily. If you want something, you can ask for it. And remember to let go of grievances. “As a colleague said, for a long-term relationship, you need a short-term memory in the bedroom,” says Goldman.
Feed Your Desire Also, in a long-term relationship, desire can certainly fade. Where’s that initial passion you once felt? Grocery lists and household chores often replace romantic excitement, so how do you tap into lost desire? The key is finding the triggers that lead to passion. To do that you will have to trick your brain. One thing that helps is novelty, which kicks brain chemicals linked to arousal and romantic love. And it doesn’t have to be a trip to Paris; try a walk on the beach, a visit to the museum, reading poetry in bed, or just calling your partner and saying I love you
Love Your Body “My penis is too small.” “My breasts are too flat.” “I’ve gained 10 pounds.” Body image hinders intimacy. You can’t have great sex if you’re self-conscious about your body. Learn to like yourself and all your curves. From there, tap into your sensuality by thinking about what makes your body feel good. How do you feel when your partner touches your neck? How does your body feel to your partner? Maybe that extra weight feels more sensual to him.
Be Adventurous “You want to do what?” What is inhibiting you from exploration? Now is the time to let go of shame and embarrassment. People are often too serious in the bedroom. So you may need to rethink sex and see that it’s actually fun. Share your fantasies with your partner and discover how you can carry them out. Take risks: Perhaps by being creative and doing things a little differently. “It’s about learning and experimenting, and if it doesn’t turn you on, that’s OK,” says Goldman.
Foreplay and Afterplay It’s not about copping a feel. Foreplay begins out of the bedroom; in fact, it’s about lovers connecting throughout the day. And it doesn’t have to be overtly sexual or sexual at all. It can even be as mundane as helping with the dishes—anything to be more connected. And don’t forget that afterplay is just as important. Rather than jumping up after lovemaking, stay physically and emotionally connected.
Safe Sex Everyone should practice safe sex. If you have a new partner, get to know him beforehand, as you’ll need to know where he has been. Try to get comfortable talking about safe sex and don’t look at it as a downer. “If you’re worried about having safe sex, you’re not going to have great sex,” says Goldman. And although, you can make sex fun by incorporating condoms into lovemaking, remember that sexuality is more than the exchange of bodily fluids.
Relieve Stress Every couple needs time to relax. “You have to decompress before feeling turned on,” says Goldman. So consider stress-reducing ways to be together. To do this you may have to rethink your priorities in life. Perhaps you’ll need to make time for relaxation by letting go of other activities. So get away together, go on a date once a week or take a bath together.
Stay Fit People who get more sex are less depressed. But to do that, you need energy. “If you’re worried about getting enough sleep,” says Goldman, “you’re not going to have great sex.” So it’s important to get plenty of rest, regular exercise and the right foods. In fact, all these things help blood flow to the genitals, which is paramount for arousal.
Hang ups about Sex........
OUR PRUDISH HEARTS
By Steven Barnes
Tuesday, July 22, 2008.
I enjoy, and enjoy depictions of all the pleasurable animal aspects of life, as well as the intellectual aspects, and the spiritual ones. The whole thing, right up the chakras. Fighting, mating, eating, falling in love, self-expression, whatever. I like watching people drive fast cars expertly and teaching babies to walk.I find attractive male and female bodies aesthetically pleasing, a form of living art. And watching two beautiful people couple is delicious. Now, that said, I've never liked porn much: sex devoid of context is meaningless to me. I'd be just as bored by fight scenes without a surrounding story: just choreography.Interestingly, there are similar rules: a fight scene can't just stop the plot for athletic choreography. There must be something at stake, and ideally, the scene must explore or reveal a character. Ideally. The best Rocky films did that: twelve rounds of boxing that turn the plot and reveal character. Anyone ever seen a love/sex scene in a Hollywood movie that lasted as long as the fight scene in any Rocky movie? Ever? I haven't. Now, why in the world should it be more offensive to see two people making love than two people beating the living hell out of each other?Frankly, the only reason I can think of is that deep down inside, you were taught that sex is "dirty", "nasty" and so forth. "Bumping uglies," "fuck you" as the ultimate insult (instead of the highest complement!) "screwing someone" as a negative, "filthy movies" gutter talk" and on, and on and on.
We get a gigantic amount of reinforcement for sex as a negative. Violence in film is ten times more tolerated, and while I have a theory as to why, it still strikes me as pretty sick.Why do I think society is more cautious about showing sex than it is displaying violence? Because every child will eventually have sex. Few of us will kill. The only question about sex is "when," not "if." Children are physically mature long before they are emotionally or financially prepared for the responsibilities of adult relationships. We need to slow them down.I further suspect that societies get a lot of their power by putting toll booths on the sexual highway. You have to be "approved" by parents, Church, Mosque and the state before you can express your sexuality. If they can convince you of this, force you to finish school, have a stable job, be presentable to parents and so forth, you can support the next generation, pay your taxes, and continue society as it currently exists.
I think there are real disadvantages to boys and girls screwing before they are emotionally mature--both for them, and for society as a whole.But what this means is that the easiest way to control sex is to try to anchor enough pain to it to balance the fantastic amount of pleasure. All this does, of course, is often make it more forbidden and delicious instead of a natural pleasurable human function, capable of being as expressive as dance. Moreso, no human activity expresses as much about human beings as quickly as sex: smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing, all going at once. The baud rate of communication during sex is fantastically high.We enjoy "eavesdropping" on people's private, intimate conversations in film, so saying "it's too intimate" strikes me as avoiding the real question. Why, unless sex is dirty, or wrong, should there be any greater taboo for adults to watch it than to watch dancing, eating, or any other basic social or personal function?
We discuss basic body functions in G-rated movies: poop and pee and vomit and eating. What is the problem with sex, unless it is in some way dirty? We watch people kill each other with incredibly graphic prosthetics and CGI - but you'll never see a vagina or erect penis in a film. A little pubic hair, sure. But that's about it. (Yeah, there are very rare instances of a flash of pink, but you know what I'm saying.)I don't have real hang-ups about sex. Well, I have some kinky friends who think I'm very, very vanilla. I can live with that. But my drives are fairly simply, and direct. I love sex, and I love making love even more, and have zero guilt about it. I like my own body, and am not intimidated by beautiful bodies on screen. I honestly don't see what the problem is, unless there is something intrinsically evil about sex.
And since there is a huge amount of reinforcement for that attitude (there are, so far as I can see, no positive references to sex in the entire New Testament. There are negative ones, but no positive ones. Now, the Old Testament rocks in this regard). But since we are in a Christian culture, I honestly think that a lot of the negatives have seeped in.I remember talking to one very Christian lady about "The Last Temptation of Christ" and the premise of "The Da Vinci Code." In my mind, if Christ ate and slept (and apparently approved of wine), he had basic body functions, and I failed to see what all the uproar was that he might have been sexual, or lived in a sanctified marriage. She was absolutely horrified. "I don't want to think about my Lord screwing some bitch" she almost screamed.
So, I would love to hear from people about this. I am most especially interested in your opinion if you are in a healthy, active sexual relationship, and therefore not resentful, or think that sex intrinsically neutral at worst and therefore not dealing with guilt and disgust. Please, take away any of my automatic suspicions about the kinds of people who are offended by sex on screen, and help me understand this.Why exactly is sex on screen more objectionable than a car chase, fight scene, or whatever? Or watching people eat? If you mean "unmotivated sex" or "abusive sex" or something, well sure...but if sex isn't evil, and you aren't intimidated, and you are happy in your own sex life..what exactly is the problem? What exactly is confusing to you about why healthy adults would enjoy watching depictions of other adults making love?
The number of times someone has said: "well, you don't watch people go to the bathroom" is telling in two ways: first, they are in denial. I've seen people peeing in G-rated films. Second, equating sex with producing filthy and near-poisonous body waste like feces tells me that they have a massive aversion.If I'm wrong here, can you help me understand what's going on?
Steven Barnes is a best-selling novelist, television writer and art critic. His latest book, Great Sky Woman, is now on sale at Amazon. He blogs as Darkush.
Please e-mail comments to comments@thenewblackmagazine.com
By Steven Barnes
Tuesday, July 22, 2008.
I enjoy, and enjoy depictions of all the pleasurable animal aspects of life, as well as the intellectual aspects, and the spiritual ones. The whole thing, right up the chakras. Fighting, mating, eating, falling in love, self-expression, whatever. I like watching people drive fast cars expertly and teaching babies to walk.I find attractive male and female bodies aesthetically pleasing, a form of living art. And watching two beautiful people couple is delicious. Now, that said, I've never liked porn much: sex devoid of context is meaningless to me. I'd be just as bored by fight scenes without a surrounding story: just choreography.Interestingly, there are similar rules: a fight scene can't just stop the plot for athletic choreography. There must be something at stake, and ideally, the scene must explore or reveal a character. Ideally. The best Rocky films did that: twelve rounds of boxing that turn the plot and reveal character. Anyone ever seen a love/sex scene in a Hollywood movie that lasted as long as the fight scene in any Rocky movie? Ever? I haven't. Now, why in the world should it be more offensive to see two people making love than two people beating the living hell out of each other?Frankly, the only reason I can think of is that deep down inside, you were taught that sex is "dirty", "nasty" and so forth. "Bumping uglies," "fuck you" as the ultimate insult (instead of the highest complement!) "screwing someone" as a negative, "filthy movies" gutter talk" and on, and on and on.
We get a gigantic amount of reinforcement for sex as a negative. Violence in film is ten times more tolerated, and while I have a theory as to why, it still strikes me as pretty sick.Why do I think society is more cautious about showing sex than it is displaying violence? Because every child will eventually have sex. Few of us will kill. The only question about sex is "when," not "if." Children are physically mature long before they are emotionally or financially prepared for the responsibilities of adult relationships. We need to slow them down.I further suspect that societies get a lot of their power by putting toll booths on the sexual highway. You have to be "approved" by parents, Church, Mosque and the state before you can express your sexuality. If they can convince you of this, force you to finish school, have a stable job, be presentable to parents and so forth, you can support the next generation, pay your taxes, and continue society as it currently exists.
I think there are real disadvantages to boys and girls screwing before they are emotionally mature--both for them, and for society as a whole.But what this means is that the easiest way to control sex is to try to anchor enough pain to it to balance the fantastic amount of pleasure. All this does, of course, is often make it more forbidden and delicious instead of a natural pleasurable human function, capable of being as expressive as dance. Moreso, no human activity expresses as much about human beings as quickly as sex: smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing, all going at once. The baud rate of communication during sex is fantastically high.We enjoy "eavesdropping" on people's private, intimate conversations in film, so saying "it's too intimate" strikes me as avoiding the real question. Why, unless sex is dirty, or wrong, should there be any greater taboo for adults to watch it than to watch dancing, eating, or any other basic social or personal function?
We discuss basic body functions in G-rated movies: poop and pee and vomit and eating. What is the problem with sex, unless it is in some way dirty? We watch people kill each other with incredibly graphic prosthetics and CGI - but you'll never see a vagina or erect penis in a film. A little pubic hair, sure. But that's about it. (Yeah, there are very rare instances of a flash of pink, but you know what I'm saying.)I don't have real hang-ups about sex. Well, I have some kinky friends who think I'm very, very vanilla. I can live with that. But my drives are fairly simply, and direct. I love sex, and I love making love even more, and have zero guilt about it. I like my own body, and am not intimidated by beautiful bodies on screen. I honestly don't see what the problem is, unless there is something intrinsically evil about sex.
And since there is a huge amount of reinforcement for that attitude (there are, so far as I can see, no positive references to sex in the entire New Testament. There are negative ones, but no positive ones. Now, the Old Testament rocks in this regard). But since we are in a Christian culture, I honestly think that a lot of the negatives have seeped in.I remember talking to one very Christian lady about "The Last Temptation of Christ" and the premise of "The Da Vinci Code." In my mind, if Christ ate and slept (and apparently approved of wine), he had basic body functions, and I failed to see what all the uproar was that he might have been sexual, or lived in a sanctified marriage. She was absolutely horrified. "I don't want to think about my Lord screwing some bitch" she almost screamed.
So, I would love to hear from people about this. I am most especially interested in your opinion if you are in a healthy, active sexual relationship, and therefore not resentful, or think that sex intrinsically neutral at worst and therefore not dealing with guilt and disgust. Please, take away any of my automatic suspicions about the kinds of people who are offended by sex on screen, and help me understand this.Why exactly is sex on screen more objectionable than a car chase, fight scene, or whatever? Or watching people eat? If you mean "unmotivated sex" or "abusive sex" or something, well sure...but if sex isn't evil, and you aren't intimidated, and you are happy in your own sex life..what exactly is the problem? What exactly is confusing to you about why healthy adults would enjoy watching depictions of other adults making love?
The number of times someone has said: "well, you don't watch people go to the bathroom" is telling in two ways: first, they are in denial. I've seen people peeing in G-rated films. Second, equating sex with producing filthy and near-poisonous body waste like feces tells me that they have a massive aversion.If I'm wrong here, can you help me understand what's going on?
Steven Barnes is a best-selling novelist, television writer and art critic. His latest book, Great Sky Woman, is now on sale at Amazon. He blogs as Darkush.
Please e-mail comments to comments@thenewblackmagazine.com
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
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